Are you kidding me?

The core problem is, of course, how the referral request is made and this is directly related to the position title and its job description. Here’s what most employees hear when approached for referrals…

Do you know any software developers who might want to work here?

Typical response:

“Uh, not off the top of my head but let me think about it.”

Doubling the referral bonus might get them to a different response level:

“Not off the top of my head but let me think about it.”

At a later date I’ll get into the actual tactical elements of my preferred employee referral program but for today, I want to focus on a piece that is missing in all programs I’ve ever heard about (obviously I can’t be everywhere so if this is done somewhere I’d like to know about it): The performance incentive factor.

I think it’s downright silly that companies pay large sums of money ($5K-$10K) for “hard to find” people only tied to 91 days of tenure. Like investing in Facebook stock on the first day of its IPO silly.

Ponder this: For every employee hired through a referral program, develop 180 day performance objectives and if the employee hits these, double the referral payment to the referring employee AND give the referred employee some kind of bonus.

How would this fly in your company?

Jason Buss posted a barn burner over on TalentHQ, “Are All Heads of HR and HR Departments Filled With Idiots?” – his facts are spot on and they should make everyone a wee bit angry. I’m a performance person when it comes to recruiting – I’m going to ask you about solving problems and I could care less if you’re pregnant, have a vacation scheduled, or are skilled at brown nosing. If you can solve the problems I’m hiring you to solve you’ll be moved on; if you can’t, you won’t.

What follows is a post I wrote anonymously for “someone else” – somewhat tongue-in-cheek but with a great deal of fact behind it (Jason – you know how the spies are going to drool over this post!) – and with some advice on how job seekers can counteract the actions of some recruiters and level the playing field. Let me know what you think…

For the most part, the recruiting profession is comprised of people who have also sold used cars, been mortgage brokers, or have engaged in multi-level marketing schemes. I mean, what else can that degree in poly sci do when you have a 2.6 GPA and suck at taking LSATs? The people in our profession who are really great don’t find recruiting, recruiting finds them. Big difference.

These people are self-professed experts at post-and-pray – posting a job on a job board and hoping someone good applies – and could care less that they know nothing about the real job other than what is given to them by some low-level peon contract recruiter at a company. If they’re lucky enough to find some dumbass corporate recruiter who is equally inept at finding talent, they’ll make a placement – imagine a 20% fee for a minimal amount of work! It’s almost as good as being a US Senator!

From here, a little success begins to swell their heads – they start thinking that they can actually tell whether someone is good or not simply by reading the person’s resume. This is such a pathetic extension of a little bit of success considering that so few great people have resumes that accurately tell you what they do.

Even worse is when these crappy recruiters start believing they have some innate ESP like ability to sense a good candidate. A dios mio – these people are the same folks who go through relationships like Lindsey Lohan goes through drug counselors! Oh yeah, they’re really good at sensing things…

It gets worse – and I’m certain our dear Hush Recruiter readers have experienced things like these…

The crappy recruiter views the equally crappy job description as the job. If you ask them about budgets, or to whom the position reports, or what specific problems you’ll be working on, they’ll refer back to the job description and ask you if you’re questioning their abilities.

The crappy recruiter asks you to assess your skills in a particular area and then takes your word for it without delving deeper – this is because they do not have the ability to assess your abilities.

The crappy recruiter looks at your years of experience – as light as they might be – and despite the fact that you actually have expertise in the area in question, toss you aside because you don’t fall into the years-of-experience bracket on the piece-of-shit job spec.

The crappy recruiter continuously refers to the company as my client and refuses to divulge the name of it. They do this because they’re afraid you might go around them and go directly to the company (and these recruiters typically brag about their great relationship with their client and gush about how many years they’ve worked closely with them).

The crappy recruiter makes short thrift of your interview if they believe you won’t make them money…they’re curt on the phone with you if you try to have a conversation with them. God forbid you try and ask them questions about a job where they have an exclusive but no details!

The crappy recruiter brings you in for an interview but instead of focusing on you, asks questions about your current employer (I need to know your current org chart so I can find the best spot for you in another company), who you’ve been interviewing with and the names of the people who have interviewed you (leads), and the names of your references before you’ve even gone further in the process (more leads). Does the name Bob Quarter come to mind.

I could go on but I want to tell you what you can do about these miscreants whose techniques, knowledge and ethics are nothing more than our professions’ version of a miasma of methane…

If you’re currently working, a call from a recruiter can be a career-altering event. When the crappy recruiter calls you and refers to the job description as the job, before you agree to send them your resume, demand the answers to questions about P&L/budgets, size of the organization, revenue, size of the organization you’d be part of, specific problems you’ll be asked to solve…you know, the basics. Alas, the crappy recruiter will insist that you send your resume before you receive answers. STOP RIGHT THERE! Would you pay for a car without knowing which car you were buying? Blindly buy a house? Jump off a cliff because someone told you to? Be sure to remind them you are working, are quite good at assessing opportunities provided you have all the details, and won’t be able to continue this discussion without these. Then wait until the crappy recruiter speaks. Or huffs away and mutters something about your attitude. Ooooh, I’m sorry Crappy Recruiter that I didn’t genuflect in your presence.

When the crappy recruiter asks superficial questions about your skills and experiences, you aren’t doing yourself any good by being silent. There’s nothing wrong about telling them they haven’t asked you how you solve specific problems; be warned – they might come back at you and say that what you’ll do is in the job description. Just look at them with your best golden retriever look (you know, head tilted to the side with a what-are-you-talking-about look on your face) then say, “Okay; then…”

• I’d like to tell you how I was able to reduce DSO by 20% over a 6 month period.
• I’d like to tell you how I saved my fraternity $5000 during the time I was the chapter’s Treasurer.
• I’d like to tell you how I survived my CFO, CEO, and head of HR bombarding me with requests to edit their PowerPoint presentations just before an all-hands meeting of the company.

When the crappy recruiter is adamant about experience over expertise, ask them to describe the problems that the more experienced person will be asked to solve…then explain to them how you’ve already done it. If they continue to say dumb stuff like, “I’m sorry but the job requires 7-10 years of experience and you only have 5…” don’t retreat but ask them to explain how the problems you have solved are different than the problems you would be solving if hired.

When the crappy recruiter refers to the company as my client and refuses to divulge the name of it, first ask them if there is someone in the position who isn’t aware that the company is recruiting for their replacement. If this is the case, it really is a “confidential” search: If the incumbent knew they were being replaced, who knows how hairy the situation would become. But if the recruiter’s tone is even a wee bit arrogant, then you can be sure that they’re playing a power game. In this case, tell them – with nary a hint of arrogance – that you’ll be happy to inform them of your employer only when they tell you the name of their client. For sure they might tell you to get the heck out but at least you’ll be confident knowing that you got their goat. And on the way out, don’t forget to tell them that you plan on telling all your friends about them!

When the crappy recruiter makes short thrift of your interview because they believe you won’t make them money, you need to turn up the dial on your Recruiter Control skills. Yes, you do and should have control: This is where you take the reins and ensure that you aren’t being used, abused, or minimized. Don’t be mean but do be firm:

• You told me that I’m not a fit but can you describe to me the specific elements of fit your client has asked you to consider and assess?
• You told me that my experiences are not applicable but can you describe for me the specific problems I will be asked to solve?

When the crappy recruiter brings you in for an interview but instead of focusing on you, plies you for information about your search, your current employer, etc. – they are using you! You know how parents instruct their kids to not talk to strangers? When crappy recruiters do this to you, run for your life to the nearest exit. Unless you want to have fun with them…then make up names, titles, and phone numbers for people you’ve “met”. To finish it off, tell them how fortunate you were to have found them and that you’ll be sure to recommend them to your friends. Tee hee…

While you might think that recruiters hold the keys to your next job, in reality they cannot function without great candidates. You are seeking a partnership not a one-nighter where all is forgotten the next day with the exception of the very bad taste in your mouth. Great recruiters want the very same thing – a very long relationship where one hand washes the other. But to make it happen you have to be knowledgeable and active; you have to control the interview and not become a pawn used by a crappy recruiter with an equally crappy conscience.

So stop whining about crappy recruiters and do something about them.

Interested in edgy open source development?
Click on the image for the openings

Deny thy employer and refuse thy keyboard;

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn to sameness

And I’ll still try because I am Recruiter

Dev Manager / Team Lead

Lead Front End Architect

Come visit the career page at TheLadders for more jobs and more information…

In the current era with the nod towards being influential, I’m afraid many of us – including me – have lost the true sense of what it means to be influential. First graders receive iPads and other computers from their parents in the hope that the little buggers will become computer savvy before puberty hits; teenagers tap away in the backseats of their parents’ cars or at the kitchen table during meal times when they’re but two feet away from having meaningful talks with the people who should be influencing them the most. Adults out for dinner sit across from each other paying more attention to their smartphones.

We’ve become dangerously tethered to communication devices large and small because we believe that a small dopamine spritz from a new text message, email, Tweet, Facebook post, blog comment, or LinkedIn message makes our lives complete. Instead, it compounds – in an often unseen way – the loneliness in our lives.

We’ve been conned into thinking that computer-literacy needs to be entwined into our DNA at the expense of being able to hold a conversation with a loved one, to ask how their day was. In reality, we need to be insanely interested in how the loves of our lives are feeling and the be able to pick up on the cues that make us human rather than the computer based messages that make us androids.

From now on, my phone will be off limits to anything but the phone from the time I leave work until the next morning when I leave for work. If you leave a voicemail, be certain that if it isn’t life or death it won’t be returned until the next day. I’m going to set up Sunday afternoon “office hours” to answer whatever other messages come in between leaving work Friday and then.

Of course, a “meaningful” blog post isn’t a substitute for talking to one’s heart throb but it’s all I have now. I really want you to see how YOU are tethered to computers and see if changes need to be made to make YOUR life more influential.

And I’m going to find a way to convince the love of my life that I’m not a computer addict and that I will pursue her as doggedly as she pursued me. I’m sure groveling and flowers will be involved but that’s between us (in case you’re wondering, I’ve written this more for her than for you).

In the end, her love is far more important to me than your message. And love trumps influence 24/7/365.

Click on the following links to take you to more detailed descriptions of each role:

Lead Java Engineer

Lead Front-End Architect

Lead Test/Software Quality Assurance Engineer

FYI, 2011 saw many technical accomplishments including:

• Implementing the groundwork for SOA
• Successfully modeling the core domains (jobs, jobseekers, recruiters)
• Developing a Continuous Deployment Roadmap that shortened deployment cycle time from every 2 weeks (requiring 6+ hours) to 2-3 times per week (requiring 30 minutes-1 hour)
• Increasing overall test coverage from fully manual to fully automated during development
• Introducing Scala into the stack

2012 and beyond will continue to be marked by innovation and growth.

Next Step?

Check out the links to the jobs above then email me about your interest; send a resume if you’d like. I’ll be happy to talk to you about the role of interest and answer all your questions.

In the end, TheLadders is all about high-tech meeting high-touch – and making a difference in people’s lives. If you’ve read this far, I’m guessing this is what you’re looking for…

On September 11 I stood on the corner of 5^th and 40^th in New York City at 9:59 AM and watched a generation of Americans lose the last elements of their emotional Utopia. My friend Sharon cried when the first tower fell; I held her for as long as I could until I felt pulled to run downtown. Around Union Square, I spied the looming death cloud of ashes that was beginning to envelope the southern part of Manhattan. I slowed. At 10:28 AM it grew even larger.

I suppose I was running downtown to help but the Angel of Death shocked me into stopping: For certain 20,000 or so people were dead. I believe that on a “good” day, at the Twin Towers 50,000 people worked there and another 200,000 passed through as visitors. These numbers were my brick wall. I stopped. I felt tears on my cheeks. I walked back uptown.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that day other than being really mad. I had called Marian Fontana sometime after 9 AM because I knew her husband Dave – my lifeguarding and rowing buddy for many years – was there. September 11 was their wedding anniversary. I had friends who worked at the SEC which was headquartered in the WTC. My sensei worked for Homeland Security; I knew he was there. Friends worked at Cantor Fitzgerald above the 100^th floor. I can’t remember how I made it back to Connecticut that night but I slept through until the next morning.

Not to live here in pain
Should not bring you shame
And the light is so hard to deter…

There was no doubt I was coming back to the city the next day; New Yorkers don’t shy away from a fight. The train station was quiet and far less crowded. Many had red eyes; it was clear that some hadn’t slept. Approaching the city, the plume from downtown was still heavy, ominous, scary, maddening; riders looked out the train windows and wept. One person was gabbing on his phone so loudly – the only person on the car who was anything but silent and introspective – that people were giving him evil eyes. He ignored them – he saw them – and continued talking to his friend.

I had enough; I was excruciatingly mad by now. I politely asked the fellow to consider not talking so loud, to be more respectful of what occurred yesterday. He told me to mind my own business; I grabbed his hand and his phone in one hand and politely told him that if he didn’t stop, I’d shove both up his ass.

He got off the phone and a few people in the car actually cheered and laughed. Don’t fuck with New Yorkers.

New York City was silent; not a single horn was blowing, no radios blared. People walked quietly. People held doors. Some even smiled. One of the people I had recruited to be a developer at a start-up where I was working thanked me for saving his life. He had two offers, one with me, the other with a subsidiary of Cantor Fitzgerald. I didn’t feel anything good, just rage.

By now it was clear what had happened. America was attacked and people from many countries, who worshiped many Gods, who spoke many languages, who worked many jobs, were murdered.

Well did the Gates of Heaven look just as you thought?
Did Sister Mary describe them quite well?
Years of Catholic school were all good to you because
You were the angel who fell

That afternoon, I left work early and went to the Army Recruiting Station in Bridgeport, CT. Made up my mind that I was going to enlist and find the devils who had attacked our country. I was in the best shape of my life, had degrees in engineering and psychology, and my family has a great history of service to this country. As the Sergeant began to fill out the paperwork and came to the “Date of Birth” box, I told him “3 – 31 – 59.” He looked up with a sad face; I was too old.

Shortly after work on Thursday September 13, I stopped at the Squad 1 firehouse in Park Slope, Brooklyn and asked for Billy Redden. Billy, you welcomed me like family into your family and I’ll never leave Squad’s side.

One of the first things Billy showed me was Dave’s locker. Inside, taped to the door were two pictures: One of Dave, Marian, and their son, the other of an old Jones Beach Field 6 Lifeguard crew. I always stood next to Dave in our crew shots; most of the guys already knew who I was.

I am the one who will never die young
I am a martyr and I will not hide
But I’m not a winner, I’m just brilliantly bitter
I’m sealed by my skin but broken inside

Ten years later, as I’ve done for every September 11^th, I’ll be at Squad 1 as moments of silence are broadcast throughout FDNY for the times when planes crashed into the Towers and when the Towers fell. Family will always be family.

There will be salutes; there will be tears. I’ll stand by the right side of the house where hundreds of Park Slope residents gathered on Sunday September 16 when they heard that the FDNY HQ was going to close down Squad because 12 firefighters were murdered a few days earlier. I don’t remember why we pushed Marian out in front – perhaps she was just the angriest family member who lost someone – but I clearly remember the Squad 1 Lieutenant George Ebert and I typing out three paragraphs about the travesty and how Park Slope needed to rally around the firehouse and demand that the house stay open. And gave the sheet to Marian…

It worked and Marian Fontana became an eloquent activist and spokesperson for 9/11 widows, victims, and family members. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her because there are no words. Dave too was a single-minded force in supporting the communities where he was a firefighter; often the reasons why two people are simply destined to be connected forever aren’t revealed until a life-altering event happens.

When Dave and I rowed together, I could always tell how he was feeling. There were always “ways” to get him to pull the oars just a bit harder; I knew this because he would curse up a blue streak when we hit the perfect rowing resonance. I still find myself wondering what he felt as the tower fell…

Angels are fragile and devils are hard
And life is a masquerade
Colors will blend and hearts will all mend
Just tell me you were never afraid

I want to walk around the firehouse and remember what it was like all those weeks following 9/11; quite a few of the original crew have retired but always come back on 9/11. We’ll drink some coffee and go to Mass. I’ve made plans to see Marian and her son in the afternoon; I just want to hug them…tell them I love them.

And there are babies laughing and children running
Saying “read me a book, sing me a song”
And I was the one who I felt so, so sorry for
But you are the one who is gone

The number 343 haunts me; without fail, I’ll wake up at 3:43AM several times each week. I see 343 in the oddest of places. Do you know the movie, “Frequency” with Dennis Quaid as a 1960s FDNY firefighter? His street address? 343 42^nd Avenue. Same thing with 9/11; I see this number too:

I see 12 quite a bit: The firefighters of Squad 1 in Brooklyn…

BC Jim Amato, FF Brian Bilcher, FF Gary Box, FF Tom Butler, FF Pete Carroll, FF Rob Cordice, Lt. Ed D’Atri, Capt. Mike Esposito, Lt. Dave Fontana, FF Matt Garvey, Lt. Mike Russo, and FF Stephen Siller.

I think many more people now have the same connection to numbers. Perhaps an entire generation experiences the same thing. Maybe it’s just those of us who are close to New York, Washington DC, or Shanksville, PA. It’s really hard to tell because after 10 years I’m fearful that many people have managed to go about their business…

“Enough is enough; it’s time to move on.”

As a nation we promised – we made a tontine - that we would never forget.

8:46 AM
9:03 AM
9:37 AM
9:59 AM
10:03 AM
10:28 AM
12
343
2,749

No, these are not just numbers…

So will you save me a seat if I make it that far?
Will you even know that I am the one?
I will be old for the angels have told me
That I will never die young.

(Lori McKenna, “Never Die Young”)

Egads! Levy didn’t say Twitter! He didn’t say text messages! What’s the old man smoking these day?

The old man’s smoking “reality” because he knows how his target population thinks, acts, and communicates. Do you? Really?

I’m presently recruiting for several senior Ruby Developers. One thing to know about Ruby (Perl and Java too) is that as open source languages there are public repositories where authors contribute new and refactored code. These are goldmines for talent scouts. However, these are also places where the quicksands of conceit lie – as in recruiters who believe that the mere utterance of their melodious voices or short messages where the word “love” is used multiple times are sufficient to turn even the busiest technical talent into putty in the recruiters’ hands.

Such arrogance! Passives and actives are not here to serve us, we are here to work with them. Respect the people and not only will they respect you but they’ll also help you. You want a mantra for social recruiting? Repeat the last sentence.

So here you have it; here’s the email I sent to a large number of Ruby-esque Developers. I’m interested in your thoughts…

<name>,

Apologies in advance if you hate recruiters (or just emails from recruiters) but the top end of the Ruby world is very closed and I sure could use your assistance.

I’m helping the head of engineering to expand his team of expert Ruby developers in their new Tribeca office; we have the A-OK to identify and hire several developers with a craftmanship level commitment to quality software (as well as a SQA engineer). In a nutshell, the new folks will be part of the agile team, working with innovative tools, processes and people to engineer web applications that are distributed and consumed on a massive scale. There’s a real work/life balance: Office closes 5:30- 6 leaving people free to have a life.

Responsibilities

• Web application programming within a SOA to build SaaS solutions
• Daily pair programming with vocal participation in code reviews and retrospectives
• Aggressive refactoring (of both Ruby to Ruby, and Java to Ruby)
• Test-driven development
• Collaboration with other functional groups
• Active contributions to the continual improvement of process and product

Requirements

• Ability to jump in and contribute throughout the stack: client-side through the persistence layer
• Experience with Ruby-based test frameworks: RSpec, Shoulda, Test::Unit, Cucumber
• Javascript: The “Good Parts”
• Relational database knowledge and experience with alternative data store knowledge
• Ability to optimize and tune for performance
• Actively experimenting with new technologies
• Experience working with and/or designing external APIs

Incidentally, I’m an engineer (LISP, PROLOG, C) who crossed over to the dark side but who stays active in most of the major coding communities (Java, Ruby, Perl, .NET); I’m also the co-Founder of the Long Island .NET User Group (there really is no such thing as a former engineer).

So here’s how I came to know about you and your Ruby prowess: I wrote and Googled this Boolean…

site:github.com rails name email company location intitle:profile (~NY|~NJ|”, CT”) -inurl:jobs -follower

With this all in mind, is there someone I should be speaking with who might be interested in this opportunity? I’ll meet anyone anywhere, any time…

I’ve been receiving an incredible response (I’ll let ya’ll know what the final metrics look like next week). But what tickled me the most was this comment:

BTW – good work on that email… giving insight to the process makes recruiting seem less of a dark art.

Is your recruiting as dark art?

If it is, maybe it’s because you’re trapped in the quicksand of conceit…

Yes, SHRM’s Annual Convention is this week and it will all be about the relevance of human resources during a period of economic miasma. Consider SHRM 2011 to be one big ol’ group therapy session where everyone is trying to deal with the Ethan Allen Syndrome.

Unlike the Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners feel empathy for their captors, the primary symptom of the Ethan Allen Syndrome is the unrepentant need to throw oneself at a table – really any table. The Center for Disease Control took great pains to study the epidemiology of this horrible disease that seems to run a most heinous course for those who possess the PHR and SPHR certifications. Their findings pointed to the “Typhoid Mary”, “Ground Zero” if you prefer, to be a lovely Human Resources Professional who several years ago eschewed the “Vice President of Human Resources” title at a major transportation company in favor of a more table-worthy “Chief People Officer.”

Talk about adding a spark to dry tinder.

From here, HR professionals began their anointed ascent to the Land of the Furntiturephilic where Pledge is plenty and Mahogany is Gold. Each successive attempt to land a seat at the coveted table – Chief Human Resources Officer (four letters which is “better” than CPO’s three), Strategic Business Partner, and the now legendary Thought Leader – was met with consternation (and perhaps ridicule behind the back) by the existing Knights of the Roundtable (the more informal name for group of people who sit around “the table”).

“You want to sit where?”

[pointing] “At that table…”

“Feh!” [those seated at the table chuckle and guffaw]

[turning to other HR pros] “I think that means ‘No’; what do we do now?”

Yesterday, the Recruiter Chicks suggested that HR make them sit at the HR table. Is it me or does this scenario remind you of adults sitting at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving? Nonetheless, and in spite of the mocking tone of my words, the Chicks have a point. Has HR done the right things to generally sway opinions that their table is a place where others want to sit?

No…not even close.

The session entitled, 10 things your CEO will never tell you but HR needs to know by Susan Meisinger is a clear sign that the profession is spinning its wheels in a last gasp effort to gain traction. The title alone is telling – and by a former SHRM President! Why wouldn’t a CEO be compelled to tell the head of HR what they tell other Knights of Roundtable? It’s 2011 and someone influential in HR believes there are things a CEO isn’t telling their head of HR? Why, why, why?

Because most in HR say they know strategy when in reality they don’t understand the business model!

However, there are HR Leaders (notice how these people warrant a capital “L” – and not for “loser”) who do understand and take the business into account when creating HR initiatives; they’re easy to spot because they’re criticized for being one of “them” (the balance sheet people) rather than being for “the people” – when the point is that you need to work the people into the business model and not the other way around.

The table seekers typically fail to recognize that the goal of HR is to support the processes that drive business growth. HR is not sexual harassment training, it’s not employee relations babysitting, it’s not reducing HR costs at all costs; HR is about taking down the obstacles that hinder great recruiting, impacting how new products are developed, how sales are generated, and how product is moved to and from customers.

It’s about time for HR to forget about that coveted seat at a single table and concern themselves with the architecture and function of the entire house. When this is built invite everyone to a housewarming party…

It might mean seriously considering, without ridicule, the opinions of a co-worker or boss; maintaining a lifeless empirical decorum when your work is criticized by your manager; or speaking in only positive terms about the leadership structure of your company despite the internal fomenting of bad organizational tidies. Notwithstanding these differences, there is one universal element of being a professional that seems to be consistent: Being a professional means keeping one’s personal life away from work. Perhaps I’m not a professional because I’ve always failed at doing this.

My 83 year old, pain-in-the-arse-but-I-still-love-her-dearly Mom is starting radiation treatment for a form of cancer of her uterine lining. This on top of DVT, CPOD, diabetes, and Alzheimer’s (one good thing about Alzheimer’s is that we think she forgot about the recent death of her brother, God rest Marty’s soul).  Yet she hasn’t lost her great sense of humor.

When we learned about the cancer, the initial course of action was to schedule a hysterectomy. With my Mom, you never know what kind of reaction you’ll get from any news – good or bad. In this instance, Mom grew a little pensive then turned to Dad and asked, “Charlie, we’re not planning on having any more children, are we?” It was a brief second or two – and an utter look of horror on the face of my 87 year old Dad – before Mom just broke out into a hearty Mom-laugh. Yes, she zapped us.

Several weeks ago, we went to the Bar Mitzvah of my second cousin in Morristown, NJ. It’s easier for Mom to get around in a wheelchair (forgot to mention that she also had one of her hips replaced about 8 months ago) so Mom was sitting in the back of the synagogue during the ceremony. When my cousin’s entrance into Jewish manhood was complete and it was time to head over to the reception, the entire family stopped to welcome Mom (my Mom and Dad are the matriarch and patriarch of clan Levy). One of my relatives grabbed Mom’s hand and spoke in a relatively loud but slow voice, “ANITA – WE’RE – SO – HAPPY – TO – SEE – YOU – AND – GLAD – YOU – COULD – MAKE – IT” to which my Mom replied, “I don’t remember who you are but I’m not deaf.”

My sister and I simply shook our heads and chuckled.

I joke with Mom that because of the radiation treatment she’ll have to go to “The House of the Recruiting Inferno” for a new hairstyle; she smiles and says that I have a beautiful head. When she sees me, she smiles and gushes, “It’s my Stevie.” Her response is the same for my sister and brother. I know who’s comforting whom.

There are relatively few moments when I’m not thinking of Mom; but where I used to see her smiling face, I now see fear. Parents aren’t supposed to show fear; they’re rocks…invincible…they laugh at danger.

But now the roles are reversed and it’s sobering to be the parent of a parent. There are many books about being a great parent but very little about being the parent of a parent. My Mom wrote notes to me as I was growing up; the one I remember the most was when she told me how proud she was to have me as a son because somehow I was “smart” enough to set the dinner table when I was around 3 years old. She sure had low expectations of “smart”!

Keeping a safe distance from my family pains isn’t easy for me anymore. I think it’s important for others to know that I’m feeling angst over my Mom’s declining health not because it affects my work but because it affects me. It’s not about sympathy but reality; it’s not about work performance but about what drives me. We talk about human resources but too often neglect to take into account the whole person.

If only my Mom knew how proud I am of her for all she has given me. Sure I’ve told her but I’m just not sure if she remembers…