Here’s another blast from the past, a few sage words of advice for jobseekers previously posted anonymously because I guess it might have been viewed as overly harsh, crass, or just plain cranky. Cranky notwithstanding (it really is the kind of rant recruiters have when they’re around other recruiters), job seekers would be surprised how many inquiries recruiters receive from people, that at first glance (and often second, third, and fourth glances) are destined for the NO pile. Even more, job seekers would be further astonished as to how many people seem to do their very best to sabotage their interview by “dress and breath” errors alone.

Read on – and yes, these are real example…

I hate your resume.

Your billboard size name? It’s like wearing a big shirt over your fat belly. Guess what? You’re still fat. Hate it.

References will be furnished upon request? Uh, no shit. Hate it.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE: – underlined, emboldened, and with a colon after it? Makes me (a) want to look for AMATEUR EXPERIENCE and (b) wonder if the person has an endless supply of ink cartridges. Hate it.

Ending some sentences with a period and others without it? Make up your mind and delete that “strong attention to detail” line. Hate it.

Expert in Microsoft Excell? Give me a break; might as well say you’re detail-orientated? Hate it.

Detail-orientated? Orientated??? It’s “oriented.” Hate it.

Salmon colored paper? Heck, fancy paper of any kind. Waste of money. Hate it.

Spelling out acronyms? Do you think I’m a moron? Unless you’re coming right out of the military (these are AEHs…Acronyms from Hell), you do not need to parenthetically explain every acronym. Hate it.

Periods between letters of the acronym? See above. Hate it.

Italics. For the entire resume? Try <Shift-I> every so often. Hate it.

MS-DOS on your resume? Nothing says “old” more than mentioning something that is long dead and gone. Hate it.

Pictures of little puppy dogs instead of bullets? And you want to be a CFO? Are you kidding me? Hate it.

Writing “Email” before your email? Well, thank you for letting me know it’s your email. Hate it.

Emails with “69”, babydoll, etc. in it? Might as well hold up an “L” to your forehead. Hate it.

And while I’m telling you about everything you do that I hate – interviews. Let’s go there.

Boobs are nice but put those puppies away for a professional interview.

Pants hanging halfway down your derriere? For an interview? You really don’t want this job.

Fishnet stockings might help catch fish but aren’t of much use when catching jobs.

Guys, did you really have to use half a tube of hair gel?

Cologne and perfume showers? Are you trying to asphyxiate me???

Windsor knots that look like goiters? Didn’t your Daddy teach you to tie a real knot?

Toothbrush + Toothpaste – Coffee Breath (also, curry, garlic) Residuals = Happy Recruiter

Get the picture? KISS: Your resume is about detailing your past performance (including the specific problems you’ve solved), your legacy, and specific skills. Anything more than this is distracting to those of us who read hundreds of resume every day. And unless we tell you that our company is a place where you can let your hair down (or show that tattoo on your “girls”), be a free spirit on your own time. Please… help us and we’ll help you.